I am a big chicken with a phonebook.


So last week, I didn't have to drive much for work, but I did have an experience arriving at my office. I hope you will allow me to share.

Upon entering my office, I saw a black spot out on the door in my peripheral. I forgot about it for a moment as I was distracted by piles of work I'd set up for myself. I went to the restroom, came back and saw the spot again. This time, I looked and realized there was a black widow on my inner office door.

I am terrified of black widows. Terrified sounds like such a weak word compared to the way I feel about the beasts in black. I despise them. They scare the living daylights out of me. They make my bones feel like jello. I HATE them.

So of course, the one on my door is HUGE.

My thought process goes something like this:
I work in this office alone, there are no men to beg to kill this spider in my office. Maybe there is a man in a nearby office. I will knock on some doors and beg and plead and result to batting my eyelashes if necessary. Anything to get this thing dead. (Within reason of course)

Dang. No answer at nearby office doors. What to do what to do.... (I pace around the door, shaking for about oh, 15 minutes staring the thing down, willing it to die spontaneously, commit suicide or magically squash).

Leave the office? Get someone to come back with me to kill it? No.... too risky, spider could crawl somewhere out of sight only for me to have to discover possibly in a place where I might touch it accidentally. Crap.

Realization: I, as in me, myself and I am going to have to kill this spider.

So, I debate methods. Shoe? What if the spider bounces back from impact, isn't smashed well and lands on my foots or pant leg? Bad idea. No go. Leave to get Raid at nearby store? Same problem as before, spider may move to new hiding place only to be discovered at an inopportune time again in a worse place, perhaps on my laptop.

Ah ha! Phonebooks. My office had the distinct honor of being given 5 phonebooks. Yes, 5. I told them I only needed one, but they insisted I may in fact someday need 4 more. So I have 4 big phones books and one cute (mini) one. My plan: throw the cute phone book at the spider on the door, knocking it to the ground. Quickly, place a big non-cute phonebook on top of the evil beast and jump, multiple times.

I threw the cute phonebook, suddenly, I don't see the spider. Didn't anticipate this turn of events. Crap. Have I launched him somewhere where I can't see him? Somewhere he can lurk until he has the opportunity to make me pay for launching him? Crap crap crap. I am going to have to move the cute phonebook. I push it with my foot. Nothing. I push it further, oh my goodness, there, is a leg and a splat. Holy cow, the cute phonebook in one fell swoop killed the devil creature! (I am now singing "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead" in my head...)

But wait, they always come back for a second scare, I've seen Scream. So, I throw a non cute phonebook on top of the cute phonebook and jump on it, about, oh I dunno, 12 times. I'm not excessive or anything.

I then picked up the two phonebooks and threw them into the trash. They were right! I DID need more than one! Phonebook delivery men are psychic, who knew.

So, yeah, I now have a big black squished thing on my office carpet. No, no I didn't pick it up. Are you kidding? Do you hear how much it took me to kill the thing? I am not touching it!

It will sit there, as an example to any black widow that dares to try to enter MY office. Don't go there, Natali will kill you with a cute phone book after willing you to die for 15 minutes straight!

1 comment:

  1. Your not a chicken!!! A chicken would have leased a whole new office or attached a shoe covered in raid to a stick attached to a fishing pole held by a stranger to kill the "beast"

    ReplyDelete

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