Brain Potpourri: The Gym

*My regular blogging schedule is a bit off, I apologize, but this is due to having left my camera cord at the office and not being able to retrieve it until Monday- my "Fresno Friday" post and others will be up soon!

In the meantime, I feel I must share these thoughts/experiences that have been bouncing around in my skull regarding gym "offenders" (does bouncing around indicate there's a lot of space in my head?) in hopes that perhaps a current offender will see the error of their ways. I apologize in advance for any mental images.

Gym Offender #1: "The Stinker"
Bathing in perfume and then arriving to the Zumba floor 10 minutes in. This means there isn't really room for you to find a "standing spot" in class, so you will make your own, uncomfortably close to someone else no longer able to extend their arms fully, thanks to you, and no longer able to breathe without choking, thanks to you. Stoppit! (Sidenote: what REALLY stinks is that so many people were offended by your eau de suffocation that complaints were made and an announcement about using perfume AFTER your workouts was made at the start of each class for a week straight- however, since you're always late, you never heard it.)

Gym Offender #2: "The Rebel"
The movement in class starts with the right arm/right leg but you, you crazy rebel you, choose to assert your independence by using the OPPOSITE side throughout, thus rendering your classmates to feel like they are eating dinner at a crowded table when you're a lefty and your neighbor's a righty. It's not ignorance, you've been taking the class for the past year. And you're killing me.

Gym Offender #3: "Ms. I'm Better Than You"
You are SO busy looking around at your classmates to see if they are watching how well you do the moves, or if others failed on a difficult move that you successfully nailed, that you may not even be getting much of a workout at all. You're easy to pick out of the crowd because you're wearing full face makeup and your hair is hair sprayed to the point of non-movement.

Gym Offender #4: "Ms. I'm Better Than The Instructor"
You stand in the front every class. You wear clothes inappropriate for your age (erm, over 13), but moreover inappropriate for everyone (if your shirt has to tell people you're a "sexy princess" well...). One day, in the middle of class, you stop class between routines and announce that you are so sorry, but it is your last day, and "Class, you will have to find someone else to stand here in the front and take my spot! So sorry! Good luck everyone!". (This really happened. Last week.)

Gym Offender #5: "The Fish"
It's mid class, and you're thirsty and dripping sweat, like 99% of the rest of the people in class. You make a beeline for the drinking fountain between songs, making it look as though you are anxious to get your water and get back into the class- but, it's a LIE. What you really plan to do is deplete the EARTH OF ALL WATER IN EXISTENCE. You drink water for so long, everyone else in line eventually gives up because they've already missed most of the next song, and they came to workout, not change their body composition to 90% water. (Didn't you learn to take turns in kindergarten?)

Gym Offender #6: "The Toot-Aloof"
You're working hard in class. You're tightening muscles that may not normally be tightened and stretching in ways you don't normally stretch. I get it. Sometimes, people pass gas in the gym. It's sorta just life. But, if you do it in the general direction of my HEAD can you please at least say "excuse me" or "sorry about that"? Would that be too much to ask after your crop dusting?




7 comments:

  1. HAHAHAHA "The Toot-Aloof" is hilarious! In my yoga class there was always this one woman who would rip one in the inverted position and she'd look around like 'who did that? Not me!"

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  2. Your Sister, The Thinking BrunetteAugust 1, 2010 at 1:55 PM

    I don't do Zumba, but I feel your pain. As far as regular gym goers, I hate:

    Guy who tries to talk you up

    Cologne guy (or girl, as you mentioned)

    Person working out on the machine next to you talking loudly on their cell phone (if you can talk, you aren't working yourself hard enough for it to count as exercise)

    Person just sitting on machine you want to use

    Creepy guy in women only workout room

    Locker room nudes

    And post gym, you know one of my biggest pet peeves is:

    Person who has to tell everyone on facebook they worked out

    Thanks for an entertaining read on my four hour car ride!

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  3. oh oh, you are to much!!!! LOL.. that is all I can say and believe me I know exactly what you are talking about. Much Love!

    Rosa

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  4. Nat, you and your readers are hilarious! I'm sure every BIT of these gripes are TRUE! And I am not offended by the comment about the gal who always starts w/ the opposite foot from everyone else-- as I have only done Zumba twice--but let me assure you, no matter how many times I take the class, I WILL often start w/the wrong foot. I did it ever since dancing lessons when I was five; still do it to this day. I have dyslexic feet!--two of yous mudder

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  5. I loved ur post! I am an instructor, so I can completely relate to this post!!! Thanks for the honesty!

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  6. And I could probably add a few to your list...

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