Dear Blog.

Dear Blog,

It has now been one week since I found out I was pregnant.  How quickly I became attached to the idea of a new little person to love in our family.  How joyous it felt to discover despite the thoughts of some medical folk, I could in fact become pregnant again.  How fun it was to make a "big brother" shirt for Keegan and take him to our parents' houses to share our news.  How exciting it was to formulate plans on how to tell others our news.

It's now been 4 days since I lost the baby.

I'm doing ok.  At first I wasn't, then I was, then I wasn't again.  But I'm ok, right now.  At this moment at least.  There must be some reason why that little one wasn't meant to join us here on earth.  Some reason beyond my comprehension.  But I have to trust that there was a reason.

It's hard taking back the news of a baby's impending arrival.  What to do now with the hidden video we took of announcing our news to our parents?  What to tell Keegan?  We're still working on it.

I'm doing ok.  Right now.  At this moment at least.
-Thursday, March 17th, 10:13pm

Dear Blog,

It's now been 16 days since I found out I was pregnant, and 19 days since I found out I wasn't anymore.  I'm doing ok I think.  I've thrown myself into about 57 activities, projects and 1 majorly gigantic endeavor (details about that later).  My mind is busy, my hands are busy and my days and nights are too.  I'm struggling with getting back on track with Weight Watchers, though despite some emotional eating, I thankfully had not gained anything back as of Wednesday of this past week.  Each day I say I'll get back on the "wagon" but I haven't had a fully successful day yet.  Tomorrow's probably a good day to get back on.  I don't really know what to do with the "big brother" shirt I made for Keegan.  I hope we get to use it again someday.  I wish we hadn't gotten so excited and shown up at our parents with him wearing it before even the 5th week point.  I don't know what to do with the reaction video we took now.  But, I don't think I want to delete it...
-Sunday, March 27th, 8:11pm

Dear Blog,

I pulled the "big brother" shirt from the dryer today and had a good cry.  Two steps forward, two steps back I guess?
-Monday, March 28th 7:55pm

Dear Blog,

I'm finally back on the Weight Watchers wagon.  Didn't realize how much of a "wallower"/emotional eater I was!  No sweet treat was safe! lol  When I went back and tracked things this week, I realized I actually didn't even go over my points- so the good news is I must have formed some really great habits since I started Weight Watchers on Jan. 1.  Though I did eat sweets, the flex points accommodated for them.  Back on track feels GOOD. 
-Sunday, April 3rd 3:30pm

I wasn't sure when I'd be ready to hit publish on this post, but I think I am now.  I'm moving forward, and feeling optimistic. 


To those that did know about all of this, thank you for your sweet support, it has been hugely helpful!  I hope anyone who goes through this is lucky enough to have friends and family like ya'll.

15 comments:

  1. Natali,
    I'm so sorry... lots of hugs and prayers coming your way!

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  2. oh friend...i am so sorry for your loss. i can't begin to understand any of it but i am praying that you find your way through.

    though the sorrow may last through the night...His joy comes in the morning.

    xoxo

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  3. Natali,
    I am so sorry for your loss! You guys are in my prayers. It will get easier but there will be those days when it isn't. I recommend you keep the video bcz it is part of your family memories. I have kept my ultrasound pics and about 5 years out, I am very happy I did.

    When I lost a baby it was amazing what a catharsis it was to blog and then how much support I got through it. It mad me believe in and love blogging even more;).

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  4. I am so sorry for your loss. Your words are powerful. I hope you can experience some healing through your blog.

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  5. Sweet Natali,
    I am so sorry for your loss. I'm proud of you for taking a few big steps to move forward. Now imagine how much more support you have! Praying for you and your family. Praying you're able to move forward in a way you thought you couldn't.

    I know it's so easy to say when it's not me...but God's timing is perfect. (I know you know, but sometimes it's nice to be reminded :)

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  6. I'm so very sorry Natali. It isn't easy at all to go through something like this, but i think it's good that you have those special videos. We always told we were pregnant early as well. Even though it didn't turn out the way we'd hoped, those early experiences all became precious memories of our baby's much too short life. The video, shirt, and happy reactions of your parents can all be part of this special baby's life. I wish I could just give you a huge hug...know I'm praying for you and Brandon both!

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  7. I'm so glad for your loving friends' comments and prayers. It pleases me that they also think you should keep the videos and shirt. It's all part of precious memories and the continuum of life. Love you 3 so much.

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  8. Natali,
    I've only known you a little while through twitter but I really admire your strength. You're truly an awesome person. My thoughts are with you and your family!

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  9. natali,
    i don't know you in real life (although i did go to high school with your husband!) but i found your blog on another blog i read occasionally. i just wanted to let you know you aren't alone in your loss and sadness. my husband and i lost twins back in august. their due date was march 17th of this year. it was a very difficult day of remembering all that we had dreamed and prayed for those babies. we are now 6 months pregnant with another little boy and we know that the twins we lost are looking over this baby boy i'm carrying now. god needed our babies for greater work in heaven than we apparently needed them here on earth. things will get better, but give yourself time to grieve for all that you lost. hugs and prayers.
    jamie

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  10. I love you Natali! *hugs* (Oh, and just to put a smile on your face, the Word Verification that I have to type to publish this comment is "semin". I know it's not spelled the same; but coincedence? I think not. ;) )

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  11. Oh, I'm so sorry to hear about this. Only God knows why this happened. It's ok to mourn. You seem like you are being very strong. God heals all wounds.

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  12. I can't thank you all enough for your support and sweet wishes. To those who have been through similar, thank you for sharing with me and reminding me I'm not alone. This is my second loss, and it's just hard to accept that it actually happened sometimes. But, tomorrow IS a new day. Thank you all again, your comments genuinely lifted my spirits and I appreciate every one of them!

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  13. Nat,
    The Lord is close to the broken hearted. Your precious, lovely family are in my prayers. Prayers for healing, strength, peace and abundant love. *huge hugs!*

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