A brief recap, and moving on.

Hi.  If you're still here, I have truly missed you and this lil' ole blog!

I'm going to quickly give you a little insight to what has transpired that may play some role in future posts.  I always want to be authentic here, and to not post what has taken place would be completely hiding a time that is testing me and strengthening (I hope!) me.  And I don't think that's what authenticity is about at all.

So here goes.

On June 7th, I found out were were expecting once again.  If you've been around this spring, you know I was pregnant back in March as well, but unfortunately lost the pregnancy early on.  (A similar miscarriage occurred a month before I became pregnant with Keegan).  I'd hoped our March pregnancy/miscarriage was body getting that out of it's system, and the next month would bring us another amazing little boy or girl to welcome into our family and hearts.

This pregnancy carried on, and I vowed to be as healthy as possible.  Exercising while my energy level was still high, eating healthy foods, being happy.  All seemed well, and I was experiencing very minimal negative symptoms and anxiously awaited our first ultrasound scheduled for July 6th.  

Meanwhile, Brandon and I made the decision we really want to move.  Our house does not fit our needs as well as we'd hoped it would, the cost of the house is extremely inflated, considering what we paid and what it is now worth, and we feel we have no choice but to move and sell our current home, it was a long and agonizing planning process, but once we finally made the decision we found peace in it and began our home search.

It didn't take long for us to find two amazing houses.  We put an offer in, and anxiously awaited news on the first house.  We were the only offer for the 5 days the house had to be on the market (bank owned property rule) and we thought we HAD it!  A GREAT house in a GREAT neighborhood with a backyard for Keegan to play in and more space!  For WAY less than we pay now.  A dream come true.  We were scheduled to hear something back the day of our ultrasound appt, so we were expecting a really stellar day.

The moment I saw the Dr.'s face while peering at the ultrasound screen, I knew my expectations were about to be shattered.  I was right.  "You appear to be measuring 4 weeks pregnant, and there is no detectable hear trate.  How sure are you of your dates?"  "I'm 8 weeks, 3 days.  I'm 100% positive."  At that point he tried to convince me I was wrong on my dates, and gave my baby a 50/50 chance.  WOW.  Talk about a deafening silence after.
I thought of a scene in my favorite movie, Spanglish, when Adam Sandler's character finds out the horrible news that his wife has been having an affair.

"Hold on. I'm missing what you're saying. You can't keep talking... and expect me to follow it when you start the way you did. There was a crack in the planet. That was noisy. There's an actual noise in my head. No kidding."

Then, the call came that we'd lost the house to a last minute higher offer.  Wow.  Another crack.
A day later, and the lab calls with bloodwork. "Your hormone levels look totally fine, congratulations!"  I immediately panic, and say, "Wait, what about the development, the lack of heartbeat??!  Can I come back in, can we look again?"  The Dr. who'd called with the results says of course, and schedules me to see her the following day (my regular OB was off).

We decide to put an offer on house 2.  We know we're competing against one other offer.

We go to the new ultrasound appt.  Baby now appears 6 weeks, and there IS a heartbeat!  Joy, relief, concern at the delayed growth, but there's a heartbeat!  Cautious relief.  Another blood test to be sure the hormone levels are continuing to rise (in a healthy pregnancy, these levels should double every 2 days).  Must wait until Monday for the results.  Same wait for house news.  Looooongest weekend ever.

Monday.  I call for my HCG results, am on hold for 15 minutes straight, then told in a cheerful voice, "They went up!"  Relief for a microsecond, then I ask, "Wait, what's the number?"  She pauses, then tells me.  It's a mere 900 pt growth.  It needed to be a 35000 pt growth.  I panic again.  "Now what?? Do I come back and discuss this?  What happens?"  I get a vague "oh, um, did you want to come back in?" response.  I get that this person was probably a receptionist, but having more knowledge about the medical issue at hand myself, and being given no direction or transferred to someone who could direct me made me feel so uncared for and so uneasy.  I called a friend who is a doula for another OB recommendation.  She helped me get a same day appt and they sent me for a stat high def ultrasound.  

When we arrived at the new Dr.'s office, we received a text that we'd gotten house 2!  We were so scared about the baby, but at least now had something to look forward to.  The ultrasound revealed that infact the growth had stopped, as did the heartbeat.  It was over.

5 minutes later, a text.  The listing agent told the WRONG PARTY their offer was accepted.  The OTHER people got the house, not us.

So recap so far...

Baby!
House?
No baby?
No house.
Maybe baby?
House?
House!
No baby.
No house.

About a week and a half goes by, I end up scheduling a D&C once it's triple confirmed the baby is no longer living, and my body hasn't seemed to have gotten the message.  I then, find out how much a D&C will cost, out of pocket, and tearfully cancel and hope my body gets a clue.  I wait one day, but I'm miserable continuing to be pregnant with a non living child.  I LOOK pregnant.  It's awkward.  I show.  I'm nearing 10 weeks.  I cave and call back for a D&C and was so grateful to get my original appointment back.
Over the weekend (this past weekend) we find another amazing house.  This house makes the other two seem like they were supposed to not work out, because THIS, oh my word, THIS is HOME!!!  We view the house, fall in love, make an offer, all on the first day the house is on the market.  So do 4 other families.  Yikes.  We put our best foot forward financially (as far as we can) and include a personal letter stating how much we LOVE the house and how much we appreciate our offer being considered.  We wait.  The listing agent tells our agent the seller loved our letter and even cried reading it and wants to choose us!  She then says the seller can sign the paperwork on Monday.  We wait all day Monday, cautiously hopeful.  No word.

Tuesday (yesterday) and the time has come for my surgery.  I've never been under general anesthesia, and I'm nervous.  We anxiously hope for some news on the house before I go under.  No dice.  I wake up, feeling surprisingly alert and fairly normal.  Relieved the pregnancy that couldn't be is at least now physically over.

We get a call.  The seller decides to go with another offer that came up an additional 12k from our max that we could go. (We'd already offered 15k more than asking)

Devastating.

So final recap:
Baby!
House?
No baby?
No house.
Maybe baby?
House?
House!
No baby.
No house.
House?
No baby, it's really over. 
No house again.

Peppered into the mix, Keegan comes down with an ear infection and poor guy is up crying all night long the same night we find out our baby won't make it.  No one sleeps.  Our bank randomly places a hold on Brandon's payroll check and multiple bills bounce and incur fees and several other less consequential crappy things take place.

All of this over the span of 14 days.  The ups and downs have just been incredibly difficult.  Hope!  No hope.  Hope!  A little bit of hope?  No hope.  It's been a roller coaster I was strapped into and no one would let me off of.

Moving forward- I'm home recovering from surgery today, but off of bed "arrest" in...ONE minute actually ;-).  We're still hunting for the perfect house to continue raising our family in.  Whether that includes just the three of us, or someday another- time will tell.  We will be having some testing done to see if we can get any answers about why we've lost 3 babies now, but without definitive findings, I just can't see myself trying again.  The first two losses were hard.  But this one, in which my pregnancy lasted twice as long as the previous two losses, was just devastating.  I wish this on no one.  Not my worst enemy.  I don't consider myself to have a worst enemy, but if I did? I really wouldn't even wish it upon them.
Thanks for reading, I look forward to getting my groove back here, including FOOD posts, returning to Weight Watchers (sidenote, gaining wait for pregnancy? Cool.  Gaining wait for a doomed pregnancy? BEYOND sucky), home hunting, hopefully decorating and maybe a little remodeling in a home, (when we find one) Fresno updates and more. 

I've got my 30th birthday looming in a couple weeks, and ya know, I think I will be quite happy to leave 29 behind after all this.  Or at the very least, the month of July.

14 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. My sister had the same problem. Many miscarriages before both girls. Putting them 7 years a part in age difference, but they love each other. They are such blessings. Don't worry, it will happen (house and baby) when the universe knows you are ready. You are such a beautiful soul. Hang in there.

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  2. i'm so sorry natali. keep your chin up. what an awful experience to happen to such wonderful people <3

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  4. So sorry- words cannot express, I hate to say I know what it's like to be trapped in a body that still thinks it's expecting, when all hope and heart beats are gone. It just rips your heart and soul out. Gentle hugs to you and your DH. No one should have to go through it. Hope your can find some answers with your follow up doc appt.

    As for the homes... the perfect one will find you.

    On both topics don't lose hope. Know that in the end everything will all work out, just sometimes it can suck getting to that point. Take care...

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  5. No baby.
    No house.

    Your honesty and transparency is breathtaking.

    I firmly believe that everyone has one year in their life that beats all others in the devastation department...maybe this is yours. And it's almost over, thank baby unicorns!

    xoxo

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  6. I'm so sorry... but keep faith in the Father. He has a plan and although it sucks that we don't know it... He does and it will ALL make sense some day :)

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  7. Oh gosh Nat, reading this made my head spin and my heart just ache for you. I can't believe what a month this has been for you...there just HAS to be better, happier times ahead, there just HAS to be ♥ You've been on my mind a lot the past few weeks, I don't always know what to say but please know I'm praying. xoxo

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  8. You've been all over the place in such a short amount of time! I'm praying that things settle down and give you time to heal and live on. I'll be praying for you!

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  9. I don't know what to say, my dear.

    Other than I have been thinking of you constantly. <3

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  10. Nat, I am so, so sorry to hear about everything you've been going through. It all just seems so unfair! Ugh. Like Jimaie and others have said, I know that things just have to start looking up for you and your family. Things can only get better from here. Thinking of you <3 xoxo

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  11. Commented a second ago and not sure if it went through...

    My thoughts and prayers are with you and I really think that God gives the hardest challenges to people who can handle them with grace and turn them into something positive, which I know you can do!! Things will turn around. Don't forget, the harder you fall, the higher you bounce!!!

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  12. So sorry to hear all of this. :(

    Praying for you and your dear family!

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  13. I'm so sorry to hear of both of your lost babies. Much healing to you and your family.

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  14. I admire you for pouring out your heart like this and sharing your story with us. You are truly one of the sweetest people I've met (well, "met"!) and I you deserve the best things in life...not all this sadness. I can't even believe that it all happened within a two week span. I'm sure you were holding tight to your husband and your son and just trying to get through each day!

    I have a feeling that 30 will be an incredible year for you. It's time for things to start looking up, my friend.

    Hugs, prayers, happy thoughts, and love to you and your family. :)

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