I remember being 17, on the pep squad, putting hot rollers in my ponytail in preparation for the homecoming game and worrying about how big my thighs were and wearing my skirt in front of the crowd. I was 5'4" and 94 lbs, worried about thunder thighs. I came across this e-card online and thought, "RIGHT?!"
I remember a co-worker pulling me aside at my first full-time job, and asking if I was ok, because I "looked like I'd gained weight" and was normally "so thin" and my face was "puffy and round now." I tried to "appreciate" his concern, but was secretly devastated. I'd started birth control (the depo shot) to regulate my periods shortly before his comment, and didn't think I'd gained that much weight, I was probably 115 pounds at that time. However, within a span of about 3 months, (the time one shot is effective for) I ended up gaining about 25 pounds. For the first time in my life, I knew I genuinely needed to lose weight. I could hear my grandmother's words echoing from my childhood, "She'll never have to worry about her weight! Look at how thin she is!" How wrong she had been, I thought.
A few years later, I'd evened out a bit, was down about ten pounds (and on the good old low dose pill instead), happily married and in a stable job - starting to think about having kids. A few months later, I was pregnant, and after delivery my husband and I were lucky enough to have sitters (my parents - thank you!) willing to watch our extremely fussy infant long enough for us to enjoy an anniversary dinner to out. Just a few weeks post-partum, feeling remarkably thinner than I had in recent months (obvs!) and rather proud that I didn't look at big as I thought I would at that point in time - I put on my best fitting "date night" attire and actually felt somewhat pretty -- until we ran into a former co-worker of mine outside my favorite restaurant, "Oh, wow, I almost didn't recognize you -- you've gained quite a bit of weight!" she exclaimed. I quickly stammered something about having had a baby 3 weeks prior and went on to only pick at the meal we ordered that night -- any hopes that my post-partum self looked halfway nice, defeated.
Fast-forward to the not so distant past - I'd buckled down, worked out very regularly, used Weight Watchers online and dropped 30 lbs in time for my 10 year high school reunion. I was in good shape, feeling great and happily in a single digit size and nearing the next lower. I relaxed a little bit, and never did see that next size - but, I felt ok in my clothes, continued to work out and even completed the 30 Day Shred with Jillian Michaels (on my tv that is) despite my love-hate relationship with her. I was looking toned for the first time in my life (I'd been thin, but never toned), when I became pregnant with baby #2.
Those of you who've read my blog for awhile now know, baby #2 never came to term and after two miscarriages in short succession (the second requiring a D&C, followed by a severe post-op infection/complication) I was right back up in weight in no time. SO frustrating. To top it off, two weeks later I was benched from exercising all together when I was hit by a red light runner and sustained pretty significant injuries to my neck. (Four bulging discs we'd later find out -- which are still bulging now as I write.)
FAT NAT. That's what I felt like. That's who I saw in the mirror. It's who I still see. I worry about running into people in stores that I went to school with, because I don't want to be that person who makes them think, "Wow, she got fat." Funny - all the things I've accomplished since high school (graduating college, being happily married going on 12 years, having a happy, well-adjusted kid who I've so far done a decent job of keeping alive, being gainfully employed) those all pale in my head and all I can think about is being "the girl that got fat." I even imagine thoughts about me for strangers walking near me in a store, "Yeah girl, you should be looking in the workout clothes area - maybe buy something and actually wear it to work out for a change," I imagine two men thinking as they walk behind me in Target.
What a WASTE of space in my head. What a frustrating thought. How frustrating for a girl who sells wonderful and amazing health products she genuinely LOVES and has researched to the nth degree to worry that someone might think, "those products must not work if she's not a stick yet." Nope - not a stick. But that has nothing to do with the products (which work amazingly, truly - and work even better when paired with healthy habits). You know why? I'm why! I am inconsistent. I take my supplements, then forget them in another purse. I eat healthy for 3 days, don't lose half a pound, then wallow in a bowl of chips with melted cheese to deal with the disappointment. It's time to stop that, for good.
So, I figured what better way to do that, than to hold myself publicly accountable, in front of a group of others wanting to make a change for the better, for I know public failure is just about the greatest threat imaginable for me. And so, the #90dayfitclub was born. Myself and 55 (and counting) others are embarking on a 90 challenge to get healthy for the summer ahead. We're 7 days in now, and I haven't been inconsistent so far - not once! I am hopeful I can lead by example and help others meet the goals that have alluded them as well. And most of all, I'm going to learn to tell that negative voice I've been hearing for far too long now to shut UP. She's not welcome anymore.
This is one of those posts where every part of me wants to delete it, instead of hit the publish button, but because I know I'm probably not alone in this... I'll hit publish anyway, in hopes it will strike a cord in someone else and maybe convince them not to have "you're fat" pow-wows with their coworkers. Or maybe it will convince someone else to say, "I'm over this, I'm moving forward, I'm going to be consistent and tell the negative voice to shut up." If so, it's worth hitting publish. Here goes nothing...
*If you're interested in joining the #90dayfitclub, where we set personal goals for improving our health depending upon our desired outcomes, support each other in a private Facebook group, complete accountability challenges and have access to the amazing It Works! health products at wholesale price - please, email me at thethinkingblonde (at) gmail.com. I'd love to meet our goals together.